Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in dylly's LiveJournal:

Monday, October 24th, 2005
10:18 pm	Alone time I have never really had a problem with people always being around, and not letting me have my own time to be alone, but these past few weeks, i've seriously just wanted to sit at home, lounge and do nothing. I have no problem with anyone or anything, but i have just been wanting to just have time to myself. I don't need time to ponder and reflect, that's not what i'm wanting in being alone, it's just the simple fact of being able to relax and not care about anything. I'm actually amazed, i usually always want to go out, do something fun, but nope, i just much rather lay on my carpet and listen to some music. Current Mood: content Current Music: "Secret" - Madonna (Comment on this)
2:23 pm	O' Friends, O' Love In your life, you'll come across thousands of people, but only a few will become your friends. Within those friends, there will be the ones you love, the ones you fall in love with, and the ones you learn to not love. These past few weeks, i'm come across each type, and realizing the significance of each. The friends we love, oh the friends we love. This type of friend, is the best, hence the name, best friend. There the friends that'll be there for you when you're down and get you off your behind and make you smile again. They are there holding you in their arms, offering nothing but pure friendship when you feel at your lowest. They hold you, letting you know that everything will be okay. The also listen. They listen to you no matter what jibber jabber you may be saying. And even when you are talking about the same things, and constantly repeating a story, or needing reassurance, they are there, doing it for you, because they know you'd do the same. Falling in love with a friend is not all that uncommon. Think about it, you're always around them, they make you laugh, you have the greatest time with them, so developing feelings for them isn't far-fetched. By no means am i in love with anyone, but do i like someone? Ha, if you're one of my best friends, then this isn't even needed to be answered on here; you already know! Enough about that. Anyways, yes, liking a friend is often occurring, but the outcome can always be tricky. Do they like you back? Do they only see you as a friend or a brother? Will telling them how you feel, risk the friendship? Will converting to friends to lovers work? That's just a chance you have to take; not telling them will only make you have this one question, what if? What if i did tell them, and they felt the same? From being in love with a friend, to being on the verge of hating your friend, there is a wide spectrum of "friendship". In a friendship you learn to trust that friend, you confide in that friend, and your secrets become their secrets. Although, you would never tell their secrets, they throw your secrets around like a "hey" or a "what's up"; confidentiality is unimportant to them. And even though you kick and scream and complain about them, you constantly run back to them and repeat your mistakes. You love that friend, you want to believe that your friend is a good person, but every time, they seem to let you down. But why can't you just cut them out? Just make the clean slate and be happier? I guess, as tough as people think they are, deep down people are softies, and trust me, i am one of them. With those friends, you have to slowly but surely cut them out. Miss a phone call here or there, cut back on the amount of times you see them, until one day, you realize that bad friend is no longer in your daily routine. Current Mood: pleased Current Music: "Case Of The Fake People" - TLC (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
11:00 am	First And Last It's always fun, exciting, nerve racking, and stressful on the first day of work. For me, work is the wonderful world of smoothie making. Yes, yes, ouhhh la la, i work at Jamba. It has it's perks, i get a free drink every shift (my new routine is gonna be oj and a wheat grass shot, it's really healthy for you), the people are really nice, and its not a hard job at all. The only thing i need to know is how to read. All the directions for each smoothie, is right next to the actual ingredients, so memorization isn't even needed. I mean, i know eventually i will have them all burned into my brain, but for now, it's nice to know i have the luxury to choose whether or not i memorize them and how quickly i plan on learning them. In other news, i officially ended the chapter of my life entitled, "I keep giving to you, and you just keep on taking" (ode to zack). We broke up over the telephone, not the most adult way, i mean, i much rather of spoken to him in person, but that's not the way things ended up. It was actually a very short conversation; we both cut to the chase and just called it quits. It was actually one of those movie break ups, the one where both parties were calm and kind and sounded like a nice conversation between friends; weird (i thought it was, but a good weird). Maybe the break up was easy, because we both no longer had an emotional attachment to each other. I mean, i never saw him, rarely talked to him, and i barely got his attention. I'm someone who doesn't ask for much, but i think, if i am with someone, they'd want to come see me more than once, twice if i'm lucky, a week. I just wanted him around more to do the little things, watch tv together, cook together, laugh together, hold hands randomly throughout the day, but there just wasn't the time, and there just wasn't the heart. And with not seeing him a lot, comes a plethora of feelings, hurt, anger, confusion, disappointment, i could list thousands of feelings, but my hand will become numb from typing. The feeling that i felt most was confusion. Confusion on the part of why aren't you wanting to see me? That confusion ultimately broke us up. I mean, that's the reader's digest of the dwindling of my relationship, but i'm pretty sure, anyone could fill in the pieces i'm not mentioning. But overall, i'm glad with my decision, i think i just deserve better, anyone deserves better! And when i say i deserve better, it's not, 'oh i can do better, looks wise', or that 'i'm too good for him', i mean it like, i deserve to be treated the way i want to be treated. I gave him too much, and got nothing in return, so that crushed me, pushed me away, and made me hop back on the train to single-dom. Yuck, single. I'm not longer the, "in a relationship" category, i'm in the horrifying, single box. Although i sound like i'm dreading being single, i would've hated more to be in a relationship that i was no longer happy in. I just gotta keep trekking. Current Mood: relieved Current Music: "Breathe" - Michelle Branch (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 22nd, 2005
3:42 pm	Tick Tock Bad timing. Yes ladies and gentleman, it's always about bad timing. Whether it's being late for school, missing a day on my acne medication, or just being late to see my friends, bad timing is everywhere. But of course, it doesn't cross my mind on how bad it really is, until it comes to the matters of MY heart. Time, is a really funny thing. It seriously can be your best friend and your worst enemy, but sadly enough, in this case, time is not my friend. I've been involved in this interesting, to say the least, situation these past couple of months. It's the classic story, i like him, he likes me, but unfortunately there are circumstances that keep us "apart". I may not be getting my fairytale ending, where i ride of with them into the night and live happily ever after, but i hope to God it does. But hoping and wishing won't bring us together, the only thing that can bring us closer is time. So i'm forced to sit here, let time tick away, and see what happens. "What will be, will be", that's my motto now, things will eventually happen, i know, but the wait period is a killer. Hopefully, i'll look back in five months and just be puzzled and be amazed how different my life is. Isn't strange that at one point in your life, a certain something was so important, but when you look back and reflect, it doesn't seem so big after all? Time, my friend, time, makes you realize what really is important. Current Mood: Antsy Current Music: "What You Waiting For?" - Gwen Stefani (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 21st, 2005
4:43 pm	Something Deeper? When i look outside my window, and see the gloomy, rainy day, i think of a classic nursery rhyme. The, 'it's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring', and i think; yes, it's raining, yes, it's pouring, but this old man isn't snoring; he's sad and blue. Not only is this man not snoring, he isn't old either. I'm 19, and still have much life to live and there's more fun in store for me, but why on this day am i sad? I'm sad for many reasons, but the main is (as pathetic as it sounds), is the fact that it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with, have some hot chocolate, pop in an old movie and let the gloomy day pass 'us' by. But, there's no one there, i'm out of hot chocolate, and all my old movies are stored away in a "don't even bother opening" box. So even if i had someone, the idea of today is unfathomable. I also start to think, maybe it's not just today that makes me sad or upset or anything other simile in the book for being lonely, there's a deeper underlying problem. I live in san diego, there's millions of people in this nice, beautiful (even when it's gloomy, it's still beautiful!) city that i could be with, but no one has struck my interest so greatly that i feel like i NEED to be with them (there have been exceptions but with those exceptions there's always some kind of drama that makes us not be together). So the underlying problem here is, am i too picky? There's no excuse in the book that i can use, to say that "there isn't anyone out there", because there are plenty of people out there that would want to make me happy, that wanna do stuff for me, but that for some reason, i just don't want to be apart of. I'm so quick to dismiss someone after every little flaw. I'm not a shallow person by any means, but when it comes to being with someone i guess i'm just, too hard of a critic. So just like many others before me, i use the excuse, "there's someone out there, but i haven't found them yet". But isn't that just an excuse to why someone is single? That they use that phrase merely to hide the fact that they haven't bumped into that special someone? And that it gives you hope to think that you will eventually find that person and everything will be magical? Regardless of that saying, I have met quite a few people that are seriously great on paper, super sweet, cute too, but when it comes down to real life, day to day, it doesn't translate. It's just not there. That "great on paper" someone is just like the gloomy day, you know exactly how it should be, and you have the perfect image in your head, but when it comes down to it, you're sitting all alone, looking out wondering what went wrong. Gloomy days and "good on paper people" (now officially being dubbed as G.O.P.P.), are no fun, you just have to wait for that sunshine again. Current Mood: confused Current Music: "When Can I See You Again?" - Babyface (random, yes i know) (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 20th, 2005
5:56 pm	i'm in a song writing mood i wake up breathing heavy sweat dripping off my face another night full of tears i'm not suppose to cry cuz i'm a boy, my father tells me but he's never felt this pain i have no getting out of bed i can't answer the door even if it was you at it trying to undo this damage why did i let myself be vulnerable? i'm suppose to be strong... i'm not the type to let anyone in but you got to me i'm not the type to let my heart be broken but you got to me i'm not the type to feel this agony but you got to me you got to me you got to me and left without me now i try to get up leave my house if only for a second but there's no strength in my body i'm weak, inside and out i can't believe this is me now i stare at the mirror who is this pathetic person that i look at? this isn't me what went wrong? was it me did i not make you happy, at all? i'm not the type to let anyone in but you got to me i'm not the type to let my heart be broken but you got to me i'm not the type to feel this agony but you got to me you got to me you got to me and left without me please, oh please god give me something something i can smile about please, oh please god give me something something i can smile about let my heart have feeling i'm not the type to let anyone in but you got to me i'm not the type to let my heart be broken but you got to me i'm not the type to feel this agony but you got to me you got to me you got to me and left without me (Comment on this)
5:48 pm	just starting singing to a tune, and decided to type words... and this came out... i just want you to know that i can't fight this feeling, amnymore i toss and i turn every night thinking of your face i want to reach out for you but you're not there i want you to know i want you to know that i just wanna be that i just want to be in your life in your life even if, you are not, with me..... i try to say i wanna cut you out but there's no way, i can i can't be upset at you.... you did nothing wrong its just bad timing... i want you to know i want you to know that i just want to be that i just want to be in your life in your life even if, you are not, with me.... sometimes i want to scream sometimes i want to cry.... but i gotta stand up tall and just fight the feelings that buuuuuurn in my heart but just know i want you in my life i want you to know i want you to know that i just want to be that i just want top be in your life in your life even if, you are not, with me........ with me.... with me.... with me. (Comment on this)